Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
