Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Randomize
