Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
