the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
