new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
a search helicopter?!
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
