FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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