so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
