dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
