my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize