My hand turned me down
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
