Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
