kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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