i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
