Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
My breasts were aching with rage.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
