Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Pappa wants mamma naked
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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