Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
