Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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