Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
