Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
