U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
