I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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