And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize