I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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