i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
