I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
