We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
