so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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