i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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