I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Randomize
