Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
