The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
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