9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize