My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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