I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just threw up on my dentist
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
