I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
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