There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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