I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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