We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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