my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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