it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
