god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize