you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
