I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
