Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
