Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
