So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize