By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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