11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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