how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
