Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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