i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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