dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
