I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
