Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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