All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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