You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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