I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
