So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
is it fun? or sober?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
