Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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