ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
