The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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