I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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