I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
